This site provides a collection of Self-Development / Personality development articles, tips and suggestions from various sources to SPA (Spread Positive Awareness).
Collection of finest things in life. It is a journey from Information to Transformation. These are the articles helped me in evolving my thought process. I do not own these content. i have given the relevant references and sources details to the best of my knowledge. I am ready to remove it if required.
In more turgid prose, but closer to the truth, was the father
of modern capitalism, Adam Smith, and he said this. This is worth
contemplating: "The great source of both the misery and disorders of human
life seems to arise from overrating the difference between one permanent
situation and another. Some of these situations may, no doubt, deserve to be
preferred to others, but none of them can deserve to be pursued with that
passionate ardor which drives us to violate the rules either of prudence or of
justice, or to corrupt the future tranquility of our minds, either by shame
from the remembrance of our own folly, or by remorse for the horror of our own
injustice." In other words: yes, some things are better than others.
We should have preferences that lead us into one future over
another. But when those preferences drive us too hard and too fast because we
have overrated the difference between these futures, we are at risk. When our
ambition is bounded, it leads us to work joyfully. When our ambition is
unbounded, it leads us to lie, to cheat, to steal, to hurt others, to sacrifice
things of real value. When our fears are bounded, we're prudent, we're
cautious, we're thoughtful. When our fears are unbounded and overblown, we're
reckless, and we're cowardly.
The lesson I want to leave you with, from these data, is that
our longings and our worries are both to some degree overblown, because we have
within us the capacity to manufacture the very commodity we are constantly
chasing when we choose experience.
Please
share your suggestions, feedback in practising this.
If
you want to maintain anonymity, Please share your suggestions, feedback, and
comments to rajesh.x.narayanan@gmail.com
Tagline: Always BE Happy
Reference:-
· Ten
years later: Dan Gilbert on life after “The surprising science of happiness”
"You ain't
gonna get out of life alive, so while you're here you might as well have a good
time." - Les Brown
Human beings are works in progress that
mistakenly think they're finished. The person you are right now is as
transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you're ever been. The
one constant in our lives is change. - Daniel Gilbert.
About me:-
EP-0 - Who am I? - Rajesh Narayanan
If you do not know
me personally, you can check out this video
Kristin Neff is an associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department
of educational psychology.[1] She created
the Self-compassion Scales.[2] The long scale
consists of 26 items and the short scale consists of 12 items.[2][3] She has been
credited with conducting the first academic studies into self-compassion.[4]
Associate Professor in
Human Development and culture.
· I
love spreading the good word about self-compassion.
· I’ve
devoted the last ten years of my research career to studying the mental health
benefits of self-compassion, and more recently I’ve been working on developing
interventions to help people learn to be more compassionate to themselves in
their lives.
· And
the reason I'm so passionate about self-compassion is because I have really
seen its power in my own life.
· I
was going through a really hard time. I had just gotten out of a very messy
divorce
with
feeling of a lot of shame and self-judgment.
· I
was feeling a lot of stress.
· a
light bulb moment in life - Buddhist Medication group talked about the
importance of compassion, not only for others, but also for ourselves, the
importance of including ourselves in the circle of compassion, of treating
ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern that we treat a good
friend.
· You're
allowed to be nice yourself, and this is being encouraged?
· I
can say I intentionally tried to be more compassionate to myself, and it made a
huge difference almost immediately.
· I
started to realize that self-compassion offered a lot of benefits that
self-esteem didn't.
· Self-esteem
is a global evaluation of self-worth, a judgment: "Am I a good person, or
I'm a bad person?"
· There's
lots of research that shows if you have low self-esteem, if you hate yourself,
you're going to be depressed, you're going to be anxious, you're going to have
all sorts of psychological problems; if it gets really bad, you might even
consider suicide.
· However,
high self-esteem also can be problematic. The problem is not if you have it;
it's how you get it.
· In
American culture, to have high self-esteem, we have to feel special and
above-average.
· It's
not okay to be average.
· It's
considered an insult to be average.
· If
all of us have to be above average at the same time, right?
· Are
the words "logical impossibility" springing to mind here, right?
· As
we started playing these little games, we start suddenly finding ways to puff
ourselves up and put others down so we can feel better about ourselves in
comparison.
· And
some people actually take this to an extreme. You may or may not know, but
there is an epidemic of narcissism in this culture.
· We've
been tracking the narcissism levels of college undergraduates for the past 25
years, and they are at the highest levels ever recorded, and actually a lot of
psychologists believe this is because of the self-esteem movement in the
schools.
· And
there are a lot of nasty social dynamics that can stem from needing to feel
better than others to feel good about ourselves.
· We
also have an epidemic of bullying in our culture in our schools. Why do kids
bully? Why do kids who are forming their sense of self feel they've got to
bully others?
· It's
partly to build their own sense of self-esteem, to feel that they are stronger,
more powerful than these other kids that they're picking on.
· Or
why are people prejudiced? Why do we feel that our religious group, or ethnic
group, or political party is better than the other group? Partly, in order to
enhance our own self-esteem.
· Another
problem with self-esteem is that it's contingent on success. We only feel good
about ourselves when we succeed in those domains of life that are important to
us. But what happens when we fail? What happens when we don't meet our ideal
standards? We feel lousy, we feel terrible about ourselves.
· And
for women this is especially hard because what do you think research shows,
around the world, the number-one domain in which women invest their
self-esteem? Our perception of how attractive we are.
· And
the standards for women are so high.
· How
can we feel above average in looks? We're looking at all these supermodels.
Even the supermodels feel insecure compared to other supermodels, right?
· But
for girls, after third grade ... their perception of how attractive they are,
and therefore their self-esteem, starts to take a nosedive. It starts very
young.
· So
how do we get off this treadmill, this constant need to feel better than others
so that we can feel good about ourselves? That's where self-compassion comes
in.
· Self-compassion
is not a way of judging ourselves positively, self-compassion is a way of
relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are: flaws and all.
·
· I
actually define self-compassion in my research as having three core components.
Based on her research, Dr. Neff breaks self-compassion into three
elements:
1. Self-Kindness Vs
Self-Judgment
Self-compassion entails seeing ourselves as
imperfect and responding with kindness when confronted with failure, suffering,
or feelings of inadequacy. Self-compassion urges us to accept that things will not always go as we hope, that we can’t always
be or get exactly what we want — and that’s OK.
o Self-Kindness
- The first, you might say, is the most obvious, and that is treating ourselves
with kindness versus harsh self-judgment.
o Treating
ourselves like we treat a good friend, with encouragement, understanding,
empathy, patience, gentleness. But if you stop to check in with how we treat
ourselves, especially on a bad day when things aren't going so well, we're
often harsher and more cruel to ourselves in the language we use.
o We
say things to ourselves we would never say to someone we cared about.
o We
say things to ourselves we probably even wouldn’t say to someone we didn't like
very much. We are often our own worst enemy.
o With
self-compassion, we reverse that pattern and start treating ourselves like we
treat our good friends.
2. Common Humanity Vs
Isolation
Our challenging moments often bring up
feelings of isolation — that we’re the only one experiencing hurt, making
mistakes, or feeling pain. But our vulnerability
and fragility is what makes us human, and recognizing that helps us feel
connected to a larger human experience. Dr. Neff writes, “having compassion
for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.”
o The
second component of self-compassion is common humanity.
o Where
self-esteem asks, "How am I different than others?" Self-compassion
says, "Well, how am I same as others?" And one of the ways we are the
same as others –
o What
does it mean to be human? To be human means to be imperfect.
o All
of us, everyone on the entire globe, we are imperfect as people, and our lives
are imperfect. That is the shared human experience.
o Often
what happens, though, irrationally, when we notice something about ourselves -
we haven't reached our goal, or we're struggling in life - we feel as if,
"Something has gone wrong here." "This is abnormal."
"This shouldn't be this way." "I shouldn't be failing to reach
my goals." And it's that feeling of
abnormality, of separation from others, that is so psychologically damaging.
o We
make it so much worse by feeling we're isolated in our suffering and our
imperfection, when in fact, that's precisely what connects us to other people.
3. Mindfulness Vs
Over-Identification
This element of self-compassion is all about
seeking equanimity in our emotions. Like so many aspects of our lives,
self-compassion is all about balance. We shouldn’t avoid or deny negative
feelings, but try to receive them without judgment. At the same time, we should
be mindful not to get caught up in them.
o The
third component of self-compassion is mindfulness.
o Mindfulness
means being with what is in the present moment. And we need to be able to turn
toward, acknowledge, validate, and accept the fact that we are suffering in
order to give ourselves compassion.
· Actually,
oftentimes we aren't aware of our own suffering, especially when that suffering
comes from our own harsh self-criticism. We get so lost in the role of
self-critic, so identified with the part of ourselves that puts the back up
straight, saying, "You are wrong, you should have done better." But
we don't even notice the incredible pain we're causing ourselves.
· And
if we don't notice what we're doing to ourselves with our harsh self-criticism,
we can't give yourselves the compassion we need.
· You
might be asking, "Why do we do it?" Self-criticism, we know it's
painful. Why do we do it?
· We've
actually found in research - there are lots of reasons we're self-critical -
but the number one reason ... is that we believe we need our self-criticism to
motivate ourselves; that if we are too kind to ourselves, we'll be
self-indulgent and lazy.
· Actually,
the research shows just the opposite: Self-criticism undermines our motivation,
and here's why. When we criticize ourselves, we are tapping into our bodies'
threat-defense system: the reptilian brain.
· This
system evolved so that if there was a threat to our physical person, we would
release adrenaline and cortisol, and prepare for the fight-or-flight response.
· The
system evolved for threats to our actual bodily self, but in modern times,
typically, the threat is not to our actual selves but to our self-concept.
· When
we think a thought about ourselves that we don't like, that's some
imperfection, we feel threatened, and so we attack the problem, meaning we
attack ourselves. And with self-criticism, it's a double whammy because we are
both the attacker and the attacked. So self-criticism releases a lot of
cortisol.
· If
you are constant self-critic, you have constantly high levels of stress, and
eventually the body, to protect itself, will shut itself down and become
"I'm depressed" in order to deal with all the stress. And as we know,
depression is not exactly the best motivational mindstate.
·
· Luckily,
we aren't just reptiles, we're also mammals. There's another way we can feel safe,
and that is by tapping into the mammalian caregiving system.
· What's
unique about mammals is they are born very immature, which means a system had
to be evolved in which the infant would want to stay close next to the mother
and stay safe, which means our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth,
gentle touch, and soft vocalizations.
· So
when we give ourselves compassion, the research shows we actually reduce our
cortisol levels, and release oxytocin and opiates, which are the feel-good
hormones.
· And
when we feel safe and comforted, we are in the optimal mindstate to do our
best.
· And
it's actually very easy to see when we think about how to best motivate our
children.
· Let's
say there is a father whose son comes home from high school with a failing math
grade.
· The
father has two different ways to try to motivate his child.
· The
first is with harsh criticism like "I'm ashamed of you. What a loser.
You'll never amount to anything."
· Isn't
that often precisely the type of language we use with ourselves?
· But
eventually, he's going to lose faith in himself. He's going to become
depressed, and he will become afraid of failure.
· But
what if the father takes a compassionate approach?
· "Uhh,
ouch, wow. You must be hurting. I'm sorry. Hey, give me a hug. I still love you.
It happens to everyone.
· Here's
what compassion says: "What can I do to help?" "How can I
support you?" And the more encouraging, loving, compassionate the father
is, the better place, emotionally, the son will be in to do his best.
·
· And
the bottom line is unequivocally: Self-compassion is very strongly related to
mental well-being.
· It's
strongly related to less depression, less anxiety, less stress, less
perfectionism. It's equally strongly related to positive states, like
happiness, like life satisfaction. It's linked to greater motivation, taking
greater self-responsibility, making healthier lifestyle choices. It's also
linked to having more sense of connectedness with others, better interpersonal
relationships.
·
· self-compassion
offers the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls.
· So
it's associated with strong mental health, but it's not associated with
narcissism, or constant social comparison, or ego-defensive aggression.
· It
also provides a much more stable sense of self-worth than self-esteem does
because it's there for you precisely when you fail.
· Just
when self-esteem deserts you, self-compassion steps in and gives you a sense of
being valuable, not because you've reached some standard, or you've judged
yourself positively, but because you are a human being, worthy of love in that
moment.
· And
the more I could embrace my own grief, the more quickly I moved through it.
·
· People
sometimes think self-compassion is self-indulgent or selfish. It's not.
· Because
the more we were able to keep our hearts open to ourselves, the more we have
available to give to others.
· So
I would like to invite you to try to be more compassionate to yourself.
· Especially
as women, you know how to do it.You know how to be a good friend. You know what
to say to comfort someone when they're in need. You just have to remember to be
a good friend to yourself.
· It's
easier than you think, and it really could change your life.
· And
that's why I think self-compassion is an idea worth spreading.
· Modern science shows that, specifically, self-compassion motivates
us more effectively than self-punishment. Dr. Kristin Neff, researcher, writer,
and Co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion even suggests that it
should take the place of ‘self-esteem’ in our vocabulary.
· She says that it “offers the same protection against harsh
self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as
perfect or as better than others.”
· You
know how to be a good friend and comfort someone. I invite you to be a good
friend to yourself. It's easier than you
think and it really could change your life.
· Self-compassion asks us to see ourselves as whole and worthy of
love without being influenced by the judgment of others, whether those
judgments are positive or negative.
· In this section we’ll build ourselves up rather than cut ourselves
down, be a true friend rather than our own worst enemy, and finally learn to
practice more self-compassion.
Please
share your suggestions, feedback in practising this.
If
you want to maintain anonymity, Please share your suggestions, feedback, and
comments to rajesh.x.narayanan@gmail.com
Tagline: நீஉன்னைநேசிஉலகம்உன்னைநேசிக்கதுவங்கும்
Reference:-
· Kristin
Neff: The Three Components of Self-Compassion
· “Self-compassion
entails both yin and yang — it is tender and helps us heal but it can also be
fierce…” - DR. KRISTIN NEFF
· “Love
makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” - ZORA NEALE HURSTON
· “If
we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each
other.” - MOTHER TERESA
· If
you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy,
practice compassion. - D A L A I L A M A X I V
· “Better
than a thousand meaningless statements Is one meaningful word, Which, having
been heard, Brings peace.” - GIL FRONSDAL
· Compassion
brings us to a moment when we stop, and for a moment we rise above ourselves.-
M A S O N C O O L E Y
· “Our
human compassion binds us the one to the other — not in pity or patronizingly,
but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope
for the future.” - NELSON MANDELA
· “A
truce can be called in your inner war. Peace is possible. Your old habits of
self-criticism don’t need to rule you forever. What you need to do is listen to
the voice that’s already there, even if a bit hidden — your wise, compassionate
self.” - DR. KRISTIN NEFF
· We
are each made for goodness, love and compassion. Our lives are transformed as
much as the world is when we live with these truths.- DESMOND TUTU
Today’s Exercise.
One exercise Dr. Neff recommends
for practicing self-compassion is to reflect on how you treat a close friend
when they are suffering. Often, we’re quicker to accept and forgive a friend
for their flaws and mistakes than we are our own.
Step One: Reflect on your life in
this moment. What are your challenges
and weaknesses? What are your biggest pain points?
Step Two: Imagine how you would respond if a
close friend was feeling and experiencing those exact things. What would you say? How would you feel as
they confided in you? What words of comfort or encouragement would you offer?
