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Friday Series - Week 6 of 13 – John
Gray’s – Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – Life In Simple Terms – Personal
Transformation Journey – Part 2
Gray’s – Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – Life In Simple Terms – Personal
Transformation Journey – Part 2
இந்த
YouTube channel லை வாழ வைக்கும் தெய்வங்களாகிய எல்லா
ஹீரோயின்களுக்கும், ஹீரோக்களுக்கும்
வணக்கம்.
YouTube channel லை வாழ வைக்கும் தெய்வங்களாகிய எல்லா
ஹீரோயின்களுக்கும், ஹீரோக்களுக்கும்
வணக்கம்.
An all-time bestselling author of 17 books sold in 45 languages,
including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray is arguably the
world's foremost expert on relationships. Gray's focus is helping men and women
understand, respect and appreciate their differences in both personal and
professional relationships. He's appeared on Oprah, The Today Show, Good
Morning America, The View and Larry King. He's also been profiled in Newsweek,
Time, Forbes, USA Today, and People Magazine.
including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, John Gray is arguably the
world's foremost expert on relationships. Gray's focus is helping men and women
understand, respect and appreciate their differences in both personal and
professional relationships. He's appeared on Oprah, The Today Show, Good
Morning America, The View and Larry King. He's also been profiled in Newsweek,
Time, Forbes, USA Today, and People Magazine.
Book: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
The Classic Guide to
Understanding the Opposite Sex
Understanding the Opposite Sex
Today’s Cheat Sheet
Key Take-Aways
Courtesy:getAbstract – Book summary
ü Men and women in relationships share common
complaints about the opposite sex.
complaints about the opposite sex.
ü Often, they misunderstand how the opposite
sex wants to be loved.
sex wants to be loved.
ü When a woman shares her problems, she’s
seeking empathy, not solutions.
seeking empathy, not solutions.
ü A man views a woman’s attempts to improve
him as rejection and interference.
him as rejection and interference.
ü Men deal with stress by withdrawing into their
“caves,” while women reach out to others.
“caves,” while women reach out to others.
ü Men like to feel “needed,” whereas women
want to be “cherished.”
want to be “cherished.”
ü Men and women have different communication
styles, which cause misunderstandings.
styles, which cause misunderstandings.
ü In relationships, men get close and then
pull back with rubber bands, and women rise and fall on the waves of their
emotions.
pull back with rubber bands, and women rise and fall on the waves of their
emotions.
ü Arguments damage a relationship. Communicating
with love and respect strengthens it.
with love and respect strengthens it.
ü “The Love Letter Technique” allows you to
express your feelings about your partner through writing.
express your feelings about your partner through writing.
Key
Quotes from the Book
Quotes from the Book
ü Gender insight helps us to be more tolerant
and forgiving when someone doesn’t respond the way we think he or she should.
and forgiving when someone doesn’t respond the way we think he or she should.
ü You cannot, nor should you ever try to,
change your partner. That is his or her job. Your job is to change the ways you
communicate, react and respond to your partner.
change your partner. That is his or her job. Your job is to change the ways you
communicate, react and respond to your partner.
ü When we expect our partners to be more like
us, we are automatically giving them the message that they are not good enough
the way they are.
us, we are automatically giving them the message that they are not good enough
the way they are.
ü We mistakenly assume that if our partners
love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and
behave when we love someone.
love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and
behave when we love someone.
ü Just as a man is fulfilled through working
out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through
talking about the details of her problem.
out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through
talking about the details of her problem.
ü Ironically, men are primarily motivated by
being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
ü Unclear
and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships.
and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships.
ü It is very difficult for a man to
differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied.
differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied.
ü A woman’s ability to give and receive love
in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself.
in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself.
ü Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels
can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give
it.
can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give
it.
ü Most of our complex emotional needs can be
summarized as the need for love.
summarized as the need for love.
ü The secret of empowering a man is never to
try to change him or improve him.
try to change him or improve him.
ü Asking for love and support is essential to
the success of any relationship.
the success of any relationship.
Summary from the book
ü You cannot, nor should you ever try to, change
your partner. That is his or her job, Your job is to change the ways you communicate,
react and respond to your partner.
your partner. That is his or her job, Your job is to change the ways you communicate,
react and respond to your partner.
ü Most men don’t realize that a woman talks
about her problems because she is venting and looking for empathy. Typically, a man assumes that the woman is
asking him for a solution, so he attempts to “fix” the situation. However,
women in this scenario usually become angry because they feel that men are not
listening to them – the number one complaint women have about men.
about her problems because she is venting and looking for empathy. Typically, a man assumes that the woman is
asking him for a solution, so he attempts to “fix” the situation. However,
women in this scenario usually become angry because they feel that men are not
listening to them – the number one complaint women have about men.
ü When women try to advise men, men often view
their counsel as interference. Men prefer that women accept them, rather than
try to change them. When a man resists a woman’s help, the women often feels rejected.
If women could understand that men bristle at their approach, not their love,
they would take this rebuff less personally and seek new ways to communicate.
their counsel as interference. Men prefer that women accept them, rather than
try to change them. When a man resists a woman’s help, the women often feels rejected.
If women could understand that men bristle at their approach, not their love,
they would take this rebuff less personally and seek new ways to communicate.
ü A woman’s stress lessens when she feels that
her partner empathizes with her and understands her. However, when a man hears
his partner speak openly about her problems, he may feel she is blaming him or
holding him responsible. His defensive response may cause him to provide
explanations rather than to offer empathy. He can break this cycle by learning
how to listen.
her partner empathizes with her and understands her. However, when a man hears
his partner speak openly about her problems, he may feel she is blaming him or
holding him responsible. His defensive response may cause him to provide
explanations rather than to offer empathy. He can break this cycle by learning
how to listen.
ü Whereas women reach out to others and
discuss their worries, men withdraw into their “caves.” While a man is working
through his problems, his focus turns inward and he becomes unresponsive to his
partner. He seeks diversions, such as watching television, exercising or going
for a drive. His partner may feel rejected because he doesn’t turn to her to
talk through things. When she understands that men are from Mars, however, she’ll
correctly interpret his withdrawal as a coping strategy.
discuss their worries, men withdraw into their “caves.” While a man is working
through his problems, his focus turns inward and he becomes unresponsive to his
partner. He seeks diversions, such as watching television, exercising or going
for a drive. His partner may feel rejected because he doesn’t turn to her to
talk through things. When she understands that men are from Mars, however, she’ll
correctly interpret his withdrawal as a coping strategy.
ü Men and women cope with stress differently.
Men deal with stress by retreating into their caves.
Men deal with stress by retreating into their caves.
ü In these “caves”, men are not necessarily
focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a “time-out” of sorts to
allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus
on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem
later with a fresh perspective. It is a way of overcoming problems of Martians.
They prefer not to probe him with questions. He seeks diversions, such as
watching television, exercising or going for a drive. In my case, I watch my
favorite Basha movie’s stunt sequence or that sixer of Dhoni which won the
world cup for us.
focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a “time-out” of sorts to
allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus
on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem
later with a fresh perspective. It is a way of overcoming problems of Martians.
They prefer not to probe him with questions. He seeks diversions, such as
watching television, exercising or going for a drive. In my case, I watch my
favorite Basha movie’s stunt sequence or that sixer of Dhoni which won the
world cup for us.
ü Whereas Venusians, tend to reach out to
others. Women kept on talking about the problem. Women lower stress through
talking and sharing. The collectiveness and togetherness which they share is part of their feminity. Men
lower their stress by being alone. Sudha said our shopping experience to almost
to all of our family members.
others. Women kept on talking about the problem. Women lower stress through
talking and sharing. The collectiveness and togetherness which they share is part of their feminity. Men
lower their stress by being alone. Sudha said our shopping experience to almost
to all of our family members.
Real meaning |
|
Venusian says, We never go out |
She really means, “We always have a great time together and I miss going to dinner with you |
Man says “I’m fine” even though he is obviously upset |
I can deal with my problem on my own, thank you |
ü Rubber Band theory – After a man meets his
needs for intimacy, he begins to hunger for independence. This rubber-band
effect is a natural part of the “male intimacy cycle.” If women don’t let men fulfil
their desire for autonomy, men may become moody and passive-aggressive.
needs for intimacy, he begins to hunger for independence. This rubber-band
effect is a natural part of the “male intimacy cycle.” If women don’t let men fulfil
their desire for autonomy, men may become moody and passive-aggressive.
ü Wave theory – When a woman is at the crest
of her emotional wave, a man may mistakenly believe that the issues that
previously bothered her are resolved. He may be surprised and upset when they
resurface as she reaches the bottom of her wave.
of her emotional wave, a man may mistakenly believe that the issues that
previously bothered her are resolved. He may be surprised and upset when they
resurface as she reaches the bottom of her wave.
ü Men and women need different forms of love.
Men desire “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement.”.
Women want “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and
reassurance.”
Men desire “trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement.”.
Women want “caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and
reassurance.”
ü Disputes that turn into arguments damage a
relationship. Disagreeing itself is not harmful. However, how you disagree
matters. Blaming, bad-mouthing, complaining, accusing and undermining are
destructive win-at-all-cost tactics. The best approach is to negotiate. The
secret to negotiating successfully is to communicate with love and respect.
relationship. Disagreeing itself is not harmful. However, how you disagree
matters. Blaming, bad-mouthing, complaining, accusing and undermining are
destructive win-at-all-cost tactics. The best approach is to negotiate. The
secret to negotiating successfully is to communicate with love and respect.
ü Arguments between men and women tend to
follow a pattern. A woman tells her partner she is bothered about something. He
tells her why shouldn’t be troubled. She feels that he is discounting her
feelings and becomes more emotional. He perceives that she is criticizing his
reaction and becomes upset. She either backs down or takes the argument to the
next level. To diffuse arguments, use these strategies
follow a pattern. A woman tells her partner she is bothered about something. He
tells her why shouldn’t be troubled. She feels that he is discounting her
feelings and becomes more emotional. He perceives that she is criticizing his
reaction and becomes upset. She either backs down or takes the argument to the
next level. To diffuse arguments, use these strategies
o
Accept
responsibility for arguing.
Accept
responsibility for arguing.
o
Remove
yourself from the argument and take a breather.
Remove
yourself from the argument and take a breather.
o
Analyse
your approach and the language you use.
Analyse
your approach and the language you use.
o
Consider
if you are giving your partner what he or she needs.
Consider
if you are giving your partner what he or she needs.
o
Reconnect
in a loving and respectful manner.
Reconnect
in a loving and respectful manner.
ü Scoring strategy for love is totally
different for Mars and venus. Gray suggests that men and women count (or score)
the giving and receiving of love differently. A man feels that he “scores high”
with a woman when he does something on a grand scale, such as buying a diamond
ring, or Guess hand bags or Versace jeans. He doesn’t realize that women
equally appreciate the little things. She gives every gift of love “one point”
no matter how big it is. He can take her on a dream vacation but, days later,
she will still feel unappreciated if he cancels their night out. Once a man
understands a woman’s scoring system, he will know the magic little things can
possess.
different for Mars and venus. Gray suggests that men and women count (or score)
the giving and receiving of love differently. A man feels that he “scores high”
with a woman when he does something on a grand scale, such as buying a diamond
ring, or Guess hand bags or Versace jeans. He doesn’t realize that women
equally appreciate the little things. She gives every gift of love “one point”
no matter how big it is. He can take her on a dream vacation but, days later,
she will still feel unappreciated if he cancels their night out. Once a man
understands a woman’s scoring system, he will know the magic little things can
possess.
ü Men is to see your wife similar to honeymoon
or dating days. If a man is dating a woman, he is looking right at her. He has
got one goal.
or dating days. If a man is dating a woman, he is looking right at her. He has
got one goal.
ü Yes, We all want to be self-sufficient, we
all want to be independent, and then from a place of wholeness come together. It’s
a new world.
all want to be independent, and then from a place of wholeness come together. It’s
a new world.
ü Women are more like weather. They are always
changing.
changing.
ü By understanding these two dynamics, we’re
living in a world today where there’s lots of stress. What we want to do is to have
equality, mutual respect and mutual appreciation but we are facing a new
challenge
living in a world today where there’s lots of stress. What we want to do is to have
equality, mutual respect and mutual appreciation but we are facing a new
challenge
ü Tips for men: - When wife is talking, if you
can say, “Tell me more,”
can say, “Tell me more,”
ü Planning dates, bringing flowers, giving
cards all the symbols of valentine’s days – you do regularly on a little score,
just a little bit.
cards all the symbols of valentine’s days – you do regularly on a little score,
just a little bit.
ü Our relationship can help us to lower the
stress level in women by learning new skills to create oxytocin in her, better
communication does it, see her, hear her, notice when she gets her hair cut –
those little things.
stress level in women by learning new skills to create oxytocin in her, better
communication does it, see her, hear her, notice when she gets her hair cut –
those little things.
ü The little things are so important
ü For men, men need formulas, we need systems.
o
Little
things make a big difference for women. So it is not the big stuff. The big
stuff’s fine.
Little
things make a big difference for women. So it is not the big stuff. The big
stuff’s fine.
o
So do
lots of little things. Hugs four times a day.
So do
lots of little things. Hugs four times a day.
o
Affection,
compliments, try to notice things, plan dates these are all big oxytocin
producers.
Affection,
compliments, try to notice things, plan dates these are all big oxytocin
producers.
ü Women can use 3 little things – use these
phrases often –
phrases often –
o
That makes
sense.
That makes
sense.
o
Good
idea
Good
idea
o
With big
smile on your face, say You are right.
With big
smile on your face, say You are right.
Friends, you can’t live with marriage and you can’t live without
marriage. Understanding the background as we are from different planets and our
personality differences will help to have more fun and fewer fights.
marriage. Understanding the background as we are from different planets and our
personality differences will help to have more fun and fewer fights.
I did a survey about how to improve relationship and got best advice
from my married friends and colleges. I am sharing the handout.
from my married friends and colleges. I am sharing the handout.
Please take one thing from this and apply on your relationship.
How Men and women handle adversities?
Men |
Women |
Read a book |
Call a girlfriend for a good chat |
Work in the garden |
Write in a journal |
Listen to music |
Take a bubble bath |
Exercise |
Go shopping |
Get a massage |
Pray or meditate |
Listen to self-improvement tapes |
Go for a walk |
Treat yourself to something delicious |
See a therapist |
Watch TV or Video |
Courtesy: Book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
A survey was done with my colleagues on “What is the one thing we can do
to accommodate our partner and improve the marital relationship”
to accommodate our partner and improve the marital relationship”
No of Participants : 30
[All are married]
[All are married]
No of Men: 28 No of
Women: 2
Women: 2
1. Respect your partner
unconditionally
unconditionally
2. Help each other in domestic
chores
chores
3. Take care of children to
share responsibilities
share responsibilities
4. Don’t interfere
5. Give them space and time
6. Spend more quality time with
your partner
your partner
7. Don’t say NO
8. Reduce anger/irritation
during arguments
during arguments
9. Don’t force your decisions
on them
on them
10. Don’t argue
11. Forgiveness is the best
12. Be an active listener. Don’t
do pseudo listening
do pseudo listening
13. Pay attention while talking
14. Don’t read too much at home.
Talk to your partner
Talk to your partner
15. Avoid gadgets at home
16. Don’t take office to home
17. Sharing your learning,
knowledge and life experiences with your partner
knowledge and life experiences with your partner
18. Avoid gender based
conversation
conversation
19. Don’t have loose talk about
your spouse’s family and relatives
your spouse’s family and relatives
20. In tough conversations, Don’t
argue whether it is right or wrong
argue whether it is right or wrong
21. Switch off TV and spend time
with your life partner
with your life partner
22. Be flexible enough
23. Appreciate them
24. Learn
25. Share responsibilities
26. Because you are the bread
winner or earning more than your partner doesn’t mean your work is more
important than the household work
winner or earning more than your partner doesn’t mean your work is more
important than the household work
John Gray says Arguments damage a relationship. Communicating with love
and respect strengthens it. John says Love is the wilful intent to serve the
well-being of another through acceptance, respect and trust.
and respect strengthens it. John says Love is the wilful intent to serve the
well-being of another through acceptance, respect and trust.
The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good
relationships keep us happier and healthier. PERIOD.
relationships keep us happier and healthier. PERIOD.
Please share your suggestions, feedback in practicing this.
If you want to maintain anonymity, Please share your suggestions,
feedback, and comments to rajesh.x.narayanan@gmail.com
feedback, and comments to rajesh.x.narayanan@gmail.com
Tagline:. Arguments damage a relationship. Communicating with love and
respect strengthens it.
respect strengthens it.
Reference::
Videos:-
Mars brain, Venus brain: John
Gray at TEDxBend
Gray at TEDxBend
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray ► Animated Book Summary
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
CC7 - Research your Topic - My first shopping experience
About me:-
EP-0 - Who am I? - Rajesh
Narayanan
Narayanan
If you do not know me personally, you can check out
this video
this video
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