எல்லா ஹீரோக்களுக்கும் ஹீரோயின் களுக்கும் வணக்கம்.
Theme for the week (from today till next Friday (15th Nov)) – Think Win-Win (Courtesy: Stephen Covey).
It was 2nd October 2009. I participated in a speech contest (பேச்சுப் போட்டி) in Toastmasters. Though I was a newbie in speech contest, as an enthusiastic speaker, I contested.
I did a lot of mistakes (சொதப்பல்) like I was silence for a minute (வெரும் காத்து தான் வந்தது) during the speech.
They declared the result. One female won the first place. I was the first from the last. I saw that woman as a Nelambari. I could not wish her whole heartedly. She is none other than my wife.
Basically my wife and I contested separately and she won the first prize and trophy. I could not take it. I felt, I was insulted in front of the crowd. I tagged myself as a failure, No. 2 in front of my wife.
Everybody was applauding my wife. I could not take it. I told my wife, “I will go and wait in the car as I am having headache”. That was my immediate reaction.
I did not even wish her whole heartedly. I was furious, frustrated and fearful.
On that day, I decided
• Not to give any more speeches
• Not to contest with wife in any public forum
• Quit Toastmasters
The following two weeks were the worst period of my life; I was more like Muthalmariyathi Shivaji Ganesan song, உள்ள அழுகிறேன் வெளிய சிரிக்கிறேன் இரட்டை வேஷம் தான் வெளுத்து வாங்குறேன்
I could not see her eye to eye for more than two weeks. I saw herself as Nelambari and myself as a failure and Number.0.
I rushed to my mentor Saro. He listened to my story patiently. He gave me the shock of the day. He told me to talk to my wife directly. I felt very intimidated to open this topic with her. My mentor persisted and that night I spoke to my wife Sudha till 3am in the morning.
Now let me go to Stephen covey’s abundance mindset.
I want to side step to Stephen covey’s Habit 4 – Think WIN-WIN here.
A person or organization that approaches conflicts with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits:
• Integrity: sticking with your true feelings, values, and commitments
• Maturity: expressing your ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of others
• Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone
Six Paradigms of Human interaction
1. WIN-WIN: “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”
People who choose to win and make sure others also win practice win-win. They search for solutions that will make them happy and simultaneously satisfy others
Characteristics
• Seeks mutual benefit
• Is cooperative, not competitive
• Listens more, stays in communication longer, and communicates with more courage.
Abundance or Scarcity mindset?
If you don’t have some grounding in the private victory, it will be difficult to Think Win-Win.
Read each phrase below and mark where you think you are on the continuum.
Abundance Scarcity
I believe there is plenty out there for everybody (e.g., options, success, opportunities, credit). I believe there is only so much, and the more you get, the less there is for me.
I am happy for the successes of others, especially those closet to me. I am threatened by the success of others, especially those closet to me.
I treat everyone with equal respect. I treat people with varying degrees of respect based on position or status.
I find it easy to share recognition and credit. I have a difficult time sharing recognition and credit.
I have a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. I find my sense of self-worth from being compared and from competition.
Exercise for today:-
When to think WIN-WIN
When is it appropriate to compete?
__________________________________________________________________________________
Benefits of Competition Challenges of Competition
Remember to think Win-Win, especially:
• In situations of conflict.
• In long-term relationships.
• In interdependent situations.
During the conversation with my wife, I realized the impact of male chauvinism in me. This is a very big topic.
I could relate to my upbringing.
கல் ஆனாலும் கணவன் புல் ஆனாலும் கணவன்
ஜான் பிள்ளை ஆனாலும் ஆண் பிள்ளை
As I am the eldest person in family, I was called as “Anna” all the times. That also boosted my ego from childhood. I used to beat my sisters and brother for that reason. In villages, they give too much importance to male (ஆண் பிள்ளை)
Fundamentally we are not raising male child with equality. That creates problem at all level started from domestic violence to acid attacks. Patriarchy dehumanises Men.
Who is Kamla Bhasin? (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kamla_Bhasin)
Kamla Bhasin is an Indian developmental feminist activist, poet, author and social scientist. Bhasin's work, that began in 1970, focuses on gender, education, human development and the media. She lives in New Delhi, India.
Kamla Bhasin, Advisor, SANGAT New Delhi
Satyamev Jayate Season 3 | Episode 6 | When Masculinity Harms Men | Love of power (Subtitled)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOLYIzJnKT4
Satyamev Jayate S1 | Episode 7 | Domestic Violence | The male birthright (Hindi)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q91lBm9uAjM
What I learned that night during my discussion with my wife and have been practising with my wife are:
• Practice win-win
• Requires greater amount of courage to accept myself and my wife.
• Bring the best of our talents
• Any successful relationship – both parties have to grow organically
• There is no one-upmanship in family
• Compliments each other rather than compete
• She helped me in completing “Competent Communicator” in Toastmasters.
• Be vulnerable in front of your loved ones so that I can grow and bring my hidden talents.
• My wife picked up mic (microphone) when she was 9th standard. She said, it all practice, practice and practice.
• She told, “I am good in content” and she can help in delivery. Together we can make greater speeches. Even in this YouTube channels, she helps a lot in delivery and content as well.
• Together we win.
• As covey says, we have to wear a different set of classes.
• It is a paradigm shift.
• Kindest thing that we can do to our children is, treat your spouse with tremendous love, respect and consideration.
• Model in the home a Win-Win approach to problem solving rather than a fighting approach or flighting approach (giving up).
• Practice unconditional love
• Abundance mind-set – Your security comes from within instead of from without.
• Comparison leads to win-lose scripting. Scripted emotionally towards win-lose.
• Most fundamental thing in family is “how you treat your spouse” and “how you treat your child that tests you the very most”
• Go for family score instead of individual score(in games like bowling)
• Respect for both forms of human interaction they each have their place in life
• Avoid comparison languages
• Treat your spouse with tremendous love, respect and consideration.
I also started learning a lot in this area on Male-chauvinism. I took Periyarin, “Penn Yen Aadimaiyanal (பெண் ஏன் அடிமையானாள்?)” and Dr. Shalini, Psychiatrist “Pennin Maru Pakkam” and her youtube channel தெறிக்க விடுவாங்க.
This episode I dedicate to my wife who taught me win-win in her own way. She seeded thoughts in me to become a better speaker.
How many of you are having similar challenges in your personal life with your loved ones it could be your sisters, brothers etc
We are going to talk about Habit 4 – Think Win-Win in this week. The foundation of habit 4 is habit 1,2 and 3. If you have strong foundation in private victory, then Habit 4 becomes effortless.
However, it is the toughest one to practice.
Habit 4 Think Win-Win brings
• Quality relationships
• Synergistic solutions
• Consensus
• Dynamic happens that is absolutely magical in its effect upon the human spirit
Bharathi dasan says “குடும்பம் ஒரு பல்கலைக்கழகம்”. Let us start with our loved ones.
Reference:-
Theme for the week: Think Win-Win – Courtesy: Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of highly effective people.
(Start Date 09th Nov, End date 15th Nov – Saturday to Friday)
Videos:-
Today’s video (Part C – Starts from 15:50 to 22:30)
7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Habit 4 - Presented by Stephen Covey Himself (Longer version for the whole week) – For Binge Watching Folks –(Starts from 15:50)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR4Zj2g6Cs0
EP-38 Videos (Yesterday’s Video)
30 Habit 4: Think Win Win - Part B: Believing in Win-Win
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4InT3iJuy2s&list=PLBcoHkB-HjG-9fXnrU6uwnw1ZoGzoVEcB&index=30
EP-37 Videos (Yesterday’s Video)
29 Habit 4: Think Win Win - Part A: Win-Lose Conditioning
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEKaYUDEdiA&list=PLBcoHkB-HjG-9fXnrU6uwnw1ZoGzoVEcB&index=29
Habit4: Think Win-Win
https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits/habit-4.html
Books: 7 Habits of highly effective people – Stephen Covey
Cheat Sheet for Abundance vs Scarcity Mindset
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1e5pYzJ5COnX9Z0KE8sTO_VuMmmYkrA8i/view?usp=sharing
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