எல்லா ஹீரோக்களுக்கும் ஹீரோயின் களுக்கும் வணக்கம்.
I keep Steven covey
as a general theme. Individual episode can be viewed separately for any new
corner. Common Theme for the week (til today (22nd Nov)) -
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Courtesy: Stephen Covey).
as a general theme. Individual episode can be viewed separately for any new
corner. Common Theme for the week (til today (22nd Nov)) -
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Courtesy: Stephen Covey).
Today we are going
to talk about Empathic Listening in conversations. It is 5th level
of listening which we discussed in EP-46 - 5 Levels of Listening (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERfyWoGpSHI).
to talk about Empathic Listening in conversations. It is 5th level
of listening which we discussed in EP-46 - 5 Levels of Listening (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERfyWoGpSHI).
Paradigm:
Ineffective: I listen with the intent
to reply (in some way to Influence, to accomplish their own end)
to reply (in some way to Influence, to accomplish their own end)
Effective: I listen with the intent to understand
(Emphatic listening).
(Emphatic listening).
Priniciple:
To communicate effectively, we must
first understand each other.
first understand each other.
Behaviour
·
Diagnose
Before You Prescribe.
Diagnose
Before You Prescribe.
·
Listen
emphatically.
Listen
emphatically.
·
Seek to be
understood from the other’s perspective.
Seek to be
understood from the other’s perspective.
Result:
·
Greater
influence with others
Greater
influence with others
·
Solutions to
complex problems
Solutions to
complex problems
·
Clarity on
real issues
Clarity on
real issues
·
Faster
problem solving
Faster
problem solving
I worked with one of my managers. He is from a premier
institute. He is an analytical person. He is an epitome of Algebra, Logical
thinking and analytical thinking. He had one problem with his team. He went in
one direction and his team were in a different direction. He came to me to
address the issue.
institute. He is an analytical person. He is an epitome of Algebra, Logical
thinking and analytical thinking. He had one problem with his team. He went in
one direction and his team were in a different direction. He came to me to
address the issue.
I explained the importance of empathic listening,
importance of relationship, emotions and feelings with team members.
importance of relationship, emotions and feelings with team members.
Two days after the incident, one of his team members
rushed to me in a hurry and asked me whether I had any discussion with the
manager. I asked why. He said, “The manager is asking about how he feels more
often in a day. He asks him when he is waiting for the lift and he is asking the
same question during lunch break. He started pestering him with that question
multiple times a day”
rushed to me in a hurry and asked me whether I had any discussion with the
manager. I asked why. He said, “The manager is asking about how he feels more
often in a day. He asks him when he is waiting for the lift and he is asking the
same question during lunch break. He started pestering him with that question
multiple times a day”
I thought for a moment, I do not want to discourage my manager
in front of a team member. I told him, “He is taking new initiative and he is
trying to address the problem” Let us all support him.
in front of a team member. I told him, “He is taking new initiative and he is
trying to address the problem” Let us all support him.
Even today, 10 years after the incident had happened, the
manager and the team member are in good relationship due to empathic listening.
manager and the team member are in good relationship due to empathic listening.
The Elements of Empathic Listening
Empathic
listening is reflecting what a person feels and says in your own words.
listening is reflecting what a person feels and says in your own words.
You feel
_________________________________ about ___________________________.
_________________________________ about ___________________________.
Angry, frustrated, excited, sad, irritated, ignored, misunderstood, happy, nervous, hesitant, embarrassed, foolish, upset, discouraged, stifled, disrespected, emotional, confused, speechless, unsure, enthusiastic |
Content, topic, or meaning of what is being said |
38 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part E : Empathic Responses
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part E : Empathic Responses
What is
empathy?
empathy?
Empathy (உள.) மற்றொருவரின் ஆளுமையிற் புகுந்து கற்பனையான மற்றொருவரின் அனுபவத்தை அனுபவித்தல்.
38 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood - Part E: Empathic Responses
Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood - Part E: Empathic Responses
Lessons
learnt from the video:-
learnt from the video:-
5 phases of
learning empathic responses
learning empathic responses
1.
Mimicking
Mimicking
2.
Paraphrasing or rephrasing – you say their words, their
meaning in new word’s similar to faithful translator role on content.
Paraphrasing or rephrasing – you say their words, their
meaning in new word’s similar to faithful translator role on content.
3.
Reflect feeling (Hurting, paining, frustrating, happy,
relieved), - You are listening with the eyes and heart. You are listening to
body language. Your head is not where that person is.
Reflect feeling (Hurting, paining, frustrating, happy,
relieved), - You are listening with the eyes and heart. You are listening to
body language. Your head is not where that person is.
4.
Rephrase content and reflect feeling – it is relieving to
at last find out where you are on these incidents in life or whatever the
situations is
Rephrase content and reflect feeling – it is relieving to
at last find out where you are on these incidents in life or whatever the
situations is
5.
Say Nothing – you are just with the person and the other
person / they can sense it. You do that when you feel confident that they feel
understood and they know you understand
Say Nothing – you are just with the person and the other
person / they can sense it. You do that when you feel confident that they feel
understood and they know you understand
Seek first to
understand is to (first half of habit 5)
understand is to (first half of habit 5)
·
Surveys with customer
Surveys with customer
·
Educating ourselves
Educating ourselves
·
Empathically be a faithful translator to another
Empathically be a faithful translator to another
·
There are certain generic needs in all people that which
is most personal is most general
There are certain generic needs in all people that which
is most personal is most general
·
Therefore there’s a certain civility, a certain courtesy,
a certain basic kindness, a certain basic treatment apply across the board
Therefore there’s a certain civility, a certain courtesy,
a certain basic kindness, a certain basic treatment apply across the board
·
Basically tap into those universal principles
Basically tap into those universal principles
·
Address most fundamental concerns and needs
Address most fundamental concerns and needs
·
Operating in the frame of reference of the other
Operating in the frame of reference of the other
·
Did not rush in
Did not rush in
·
Have enough discipline and patience not to rush in with good
solutions
Have enough discipline and patience not to rush in with good
solutions
·
Not imposing our past mentored formula of success
Not imposing our past mentored formula of success
·
Be open
Be open
·
Just Listen
Just Listen
·
Focus on the speaker, not on your “correct” response to
the speaker.
Focus on the speaker, not on your “correct” response to
the speaker.
·
If you get struck, just repeat what the speaker says. If
you are sincerely trying to understand, you wont be perceived as being
manipulative.
If you get struck, just repeat what the speaker says. If
you are sincerely trying to understand, you wont be perceived as being
manipulative.
·
Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes just listening and
saying nothing is the best way to get to the heart of an issue.
Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes just listening and
saying nothing is the best way to get to the heart of an issue.
·
Then to be
understood (Second half of habit 5)
understood (Second half of habit 5)
·
Then judge
Then judge
·
Then act
Then act
·
Then go into problem-solving
Then go into problem-solving
Test this in
your next difficult situation. The end in mind is not my way instead it’s a
better way that has not yet been discovered
your next difficult situation. The end in mind is not my way instead it’s a
better way that has not yet been discovered
My learning,
whenever any problem comes to me/us, we look at in a subjective way (emotion
attached). The other people see it very objectively (content, no emotion
attached).
whenever any problem comes to me/us, we look at in a subjective way (emotion
attached). The other people see it very objectively (content, no emotion
attached).
Far more important
than the technical elements of the any conversations was the quality of the
relationship as the power of it.
than the technical elements of the any conversations was the quality of the
relationship as the power of it.
The key to listening is with eyes and
heart.
heart.
Helpful language to get you started
·
As I get it, you feel……
As I get it, you feel……
·
So as you see it…….
So as you see it…….
·
You seem…….
You seem…….
·
You must have felt …….
You must have felt …….
·
You sound …….
You sound …….
·
What I’m hearing is ……..
What I’m hearing is ……..
·
I’m not sure I’m with you, but …….
I’m not sure I’m with you, but …….
·
Your feeling now is …………
Your feeling now is …………
Tips:
·
Focus on the speaker, not on your “correct” response to
the speaker.
Focus on the speaker, not on your “correct” response to
the speaker.
·
If you get struck, just repeat what the speaker says. If
you are sincerely trying to understand, you wont be perceived as being
manipulative.
If you get struck, just repeat what the speaker says. If
you are sincerely trying to understand, you wont be perceived as being
manipulative.
·
Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes just listening and
saying nothing is the best way to get to the heart of an issue.
Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes just listening and
saying nothing is the best way to get to the heart of an issue.
Exercise for
today:-
today:-
Empathic listening scenarios
Read the
scenarios below, then write an empathic response for each scenario.
scenarios below, then write an empathic response for each scenario.
1.
A supervisor has asked two associates, Carlos and Jan, to
be responsible for organizing a booth for a trade show. Carlos says, “Let Jan
do it herself. I don’t want to work with her on any more trade shows. She never
does her fair share.”
A supervisor has asked two associates, Carlos and Jan, to
be responsible for organizing a booth for a trade show. Carlos says, “Let Jan
do it herself. I don’t want to work with her on any more trade shows. She never
does her fair share.”
Supervisor’s
possible empathic response to Carlos:
possible empathic response to Carlos:
2.
Glen has initiated a quality-control program to streamline
processes and reduce cycle times. Another manager shakes his head and says,
“Here we go again. You tried this last year and it didn’t work.
Glen has initiated a quality-control program to streamline
processes and reduce cycle times. Another manager shakes his head and says,
“Here we go again. You tried this last year and it didn’t work.
Glen’s
possible empathic response to the other manager:
possible empathic response to the other manager:
3.
After being asked not to stay out so late at night, a
16-year-old says to her father, “This is my life, and I can make my own
decisions.”
After being asked not to stay out so late at night, a
16-year-old says to her father, “This is my life, and I can make my own
decisions.”
Father’s
possible empathic response to the teenager:
possible empathic response to the teenager:
Tips:- Use Talking Stick while having one to one discussion
either in personal or professional setting. This can be used in our daily
conversation with our spouses, teenage daughters/sons, brothers/sisters or with
our mom. This can be used in our team meeting as well.
either in personal or professional setting. This can be used in our daily
conversation with our spouses, teenage daughters/sons, brothers/sisters or with
our mom. This can be used in our team meeting as well.
Foundation of any relationship is deeper level of
understanding. Let’s understand, then to be understood.
understanding. Let’s understand, then to be understood.
Let’s have this week’s contest:-
Take one personal or professional relationship.
Follow 5 levels of listening – Empathetic listening
Other person has to give the certificate or you can give
self-certificate
self-certificate
Top 3 winners will get books –
1.
First Prize :Lights from many lamps,
First Prize :Lights from many lamps,
2.
2nd
Prize : Alchemist,
2nd
Prize : Alchemist,
3.
3rd
Prize : Monk who sold his
Ferrari
3rd
Prize : Monk who sold his
Ferrari
Quote:
Quote: To my
mind, empathy is in itself a healing agent…. Because it releases, it confirms,
it brings even the most frightened person into the human race. If a person is
understood, he or she belongs.
mind, empathy is in itself a healing agent…. Because it releases, it confirms,
it brings even the most frightened person into the human race. If a person is
understood, he or she belongs.
Carl Rogers
In a nutshell, No advice is required to anyone, just need
care and compassion and listen empathically. அறிவுரை
வேண்டாம் புரிதலே போதும்.
care and compassion and listen empathically. அறிவுரை
வேண்டாம் புரிதலே போதும்.
Reference:-
Theme for the week: Seek
First to Understand, Then to Be Understood – Courtesy: Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of highly effective people.
First to Understand, Then to Be Understood – Courtesy: Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of highly effective people.
(Start Date 16th Nov, End date 22nd Nov –
Saturday to Friday)
Saturday to Friday)
Today’s Videos:-
38 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part E : Empathic Responses
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part E : Empathic Responses
Week’s Video for quick reference.
7 Habits of
Highly Effective People - Habit 5 - Presented by Stephen Covey Himself (Longer
version for the whole week)
Highly Effective People - Habit 5 - Presented by Stephen Covey Himself (Longer
version for the whole week)
34 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part A: Diagnose Before You
Prescribe
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part A: Diagnose Before You
Prescribe
Video: It's Not About the Nail - (Must watch
for every Husband/wife or every person)
for every Husband/wife or every person)
"Don't
try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these
words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.
try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these
words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.
35 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part B - Five Levels of
Listening
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part B - Five Levels of
Listening
36 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part C: Autobiographical
Responses
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part C: Autobiographical
Responses
37 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
Quote for the week to ponder upon:
One
friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen
to us as we consider our problem, can change our whole outlook on the world.
friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen
to us as we consider our problem, can change our whole outlook on the world.
-
Dr. Elton
Mayo
Dr. Elton
Mayo
When I ask you to listen and you
start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to
listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are
trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen!. All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do – just hear me. - Ralph Roughton, M.D.
start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to
listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are
trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen!. All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do – just hear me. - Ralph Roughton, M.D.
-
Articles:-
HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
Books: 7 Habits of highly effective people – Stephen Covey
About me:-
EP-0 - Who am I? - Rajesh Narayanan
If you do not know me personally, you can check out this
video
video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiuvvMarwOE
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