எல்லா ஹீரோக்களுக்கும் ஹீரோயின் களுக்கும் வணக்கம்.
I keep Steven covey
as a general theme. Individual episode can be viewed separately for any new
corner. Common Theme for the week (til today (22nd Nov)) -
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Courtesy: Stephen Covey).
as a general theme. Individual episode can be viewed separately for any new
corner. Common Theme for the week (til today (22nd Nov)) -
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Courtesy: Stephen Covey).
Today we are going
to talk about Empathic Listening in conversations. It is 5th level
of listening which we discussed in EP-46 - 5 Levels of Listening (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERfyWoGpSHI).
to talk about Empathic Listening in conversations. It is 5th level
of listening which we discussed in EP-46 - 5 Levels of Listening (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERfyWoGpSHI).
Paradigm:
Ineffective: I listen with the intent
to reply (in some way to Influence, to accomplish their own end)
to reply (in some way to Influence, to accomplish their own end)
Effective: I listen with the intent to understand
(Emphatic listening).
(Emphatic listening).
Priniciple:
To communicate effectively, we must
first understand each other.
first understand each other.
Behaviour
·
Diagnose
Before You Prescribe.
Diagnose
Before You Prescribe.
·
Listen
emphatically.
Listen
emphatically.
·
Seek to be
understood from the other’s perspective.
Seek to be
understood from the other’s perspective.
Result:
·
Greater influence
with others
Greater influence
with others
·
Solutions to
complex problems
Solutions to
complex problems
·
Clarity on
real issues
Clarity on
real issues
·
Faster
problem solving
Faster
problem solving
Biggest complaints in our day-today conversations:-
What is the one of the biggest complaints we have with teenagers’
conversations?
conversations?
What are the biggest complaints that we get from managers who
manage the fresh hires from collage?
manage the fresh hires from collage?
What are the biggest complaints we have in our
Husband/wife conversations?
Husband/wife conversations?
What are the biggest complaints we have in our Daughter-in-law
/ Mother-in-law conversations?
/ Mother-in-law conversations?
What are the biggest complaints we have in our Sibling rivalry
conversations?
conversations?
Biggest complaints are conversations do not go well. Either
the conversation ended in arguments or fights or in mono syllable.
the conversation ended in arguments or fights or in mono syllable.
The Solutions to all our Mahabhartha War in relationship,
India-Pak war in our understandings and Agni Natchathiram moments in sibling
rivalry is Empathic Listening.
India-Pak war in our understandings and Agni Natchathiram moments in sibling
rivalry is Empathic Listening.
My daughter is a teenager. Her teacher Gowri rao mam
connects with each and everyone in the class very well. She knows the pulse of
each and every teenager in the class. She connects them very well. She listens
to them. She never advises, judges, evaluates. No autobiographical in her
conversation. What is special about this mam is, every day she eats lunch with
one of the students rather than going to staff room. She knows dreams,
personality of each and every student more than their own parents.
connects with each and everyone in the class very well. She knows the pulse of
each and every teenager in the class. She connects them very well. She listens
to them. She never advises, judges, evaluates. No autobiographical in her
conversation. What is special about this mam is, every day she eats lunch with
one of the students rather than going to staff room. She knows dreams,
personality of each and every student more than their own parents.
I see Gowri Rao mam as a role model on Empathic listening.
Listen Empathically
Empathic
listening is reflecting what a person feels and says in your own words. It is not listening to advice, counsel, reply, refute,
solve, fix, change, judge, agree, disagree, question, analyse, or figure out.
listening is reflecting what a person feels and says in your own words. It is not listening to advice, counsel, reply, refute,
solve, fix, change, judge, agree, disagree, question, analyse, or figure out.
Traditional Chinese character: “to listen with a virtuous heart”
Reading the signs
When we communicate face to face
about our likes and dislikes, our body language, tone of voice, and feelings
communicate more loudly than the words we use.
about our likes and dislikes, our body language, tone of voice, and feelings
communicate more loudly than the words we use.
Source: Mehrabian, Albert. Silent messages.
55% - Facial expressions, body
language
language
38% - How we say words, tone of
voice, style
voice, style
7% - Words we use.
Albert Mehrabian, currently Professor Emeritus of
Psychology, UCLA, has become known best by his publications on the relative
importance of verbal and nonverbal messages. His findings on inconsistent
messages of feelings and attitudes have been misquoted and misinterpreted
throughout human communication seminars worldwide, and have also become known
as the 7%-38%-55% Rule, for the relative impact of words, tone of voice, and
body language when speaking. Mehrabian also constructed a number of
psychological measures including the Arousal Seeking Tendency Scale.
Psychology, UCLA, has become known best by his publications on the relative
importance of verbal and nonverbal messages. His findings on inconsistent
messages of feelings and attitudes have been misquoted and misinterpreted
throughout human communication seminars worldwide, and have also become known
as the 7%-38%-55% Rule, for the relative impact of words, tone of voice, and
body language when speaking. Mehrabian also constructed a number of
psychological measures including the Arousal Seeking Tendency Scale.
Albert
Mehrabian
Mehrabian
Watch
the signals
the signals
[RED] Stop talking and listen empathically when: 1. There is high emotion. 2. You must get to the heart of an issue. 3. You feel you don’t understand. 4. The other person doesn’t feel understood. |
|
[Yellow] Slow down. Watch and be ready to listen empathically |
|
[Green] Go forward and seek to be understood when: · The issue is clear and mutually understood. · The conversation is casual and unemotional. · You’re asked to give counsel or advice. |
37 Habit 5: Seek
First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
What is
empathy?
empathy?
Empathy - (உள.) மற்றொருவரின் ஆளுமையிற் புகுந்து கற்பனையான மற்றொருவரின் அனுபவத்தை அனுபவித்தல்.
Lessons
learnt from the video:- Empathic
communication - When to follow Empathy
learnt from the video:- Empathic
communication - When to follow Empathy
·
Continuum of Empathy - is one of many forms of
communication
Continuum of Empathy - is one of many forms of
communication
·
Best things to do is to learn how to ask questions of other people to find out all kinds
of information
Best things to do is to learn how to ask questions of other people to find out all kinds
of information
·
Filled with a lot of emotions - Focus on emotion
Filled with a lot of emotions - Focus on emotion
·
Need a credible person to open up with.
Need a credible person to open up with.
·
Feeling safe
Feeling safe
·
Desire to be understood
Desire to be understood
·
Start empathy rather than autobiography
Start empathy rather than autobiography
·
they are in tender vulnerable area where people
really would like to go deeper and they need help and they are in pain
they are in tender vulnerable area where people
really would like to go deeper and they need help and they are in pain
·
Asking questions then probing
Asking questions then probing
·
Autobiographical – you can’t come out of you,
you have to come out of me and reflect it accurately and completely not to do
it as some little listening technique but do it deeply and sincerely
Autobiographical – you can’t come out of you,
you have to come out of me and reflect it accurately and completely not to do
it as some little listening technique but do it deeply and sincerely
·
Catch the
role as a faithful translator - Key – have you ever spoken to a translator –
where was the frame of mind of the translator. Focus the feeling, communicating
the essence of the message & emotions of the speaker and then communicate
it accurately and completely not just the content but the feeling right. Within
that role you’ll catch the feeling
Catch the
role as a faithful translator - Key – have you ever spoken to a translator –
where was the frame of mind of the translator. Focus the feeling, communicating
the essence of the message & emotions of the speaker and then communicate
it accurately and completely not just the content but the feeling right. Within
that role you’ll catch the feeling
·
It is
basically very simple - You are not figuring the other person out, You are
not trying to analyse the other person, you are not trying to analyse the other
person, you are not trying to manipulate the other person towards some worthy
end, You do not deal with the other person, You do not probe, You do not
disagree, you do not evaluate, you are in other person’s head. You capture the
essence of other person’s feeling. It is about how strong the other person’s
feel about. You are not figuring the other person, you are not evaluating, you
are not trying to analyse
It is
basically very simple - You are not figuring the other person out, You are
not trying to analyse the other person, you are not trying to analyse the other
person, you are not trying to manipulate the other person towards some worthy
end, You do not deal with the other person, You do not probe, You do not
disagree, you do not evaluate, you are in other person’s head. You capture the
essence of other person’s feeling. It is about how strong the other person’s
feel about. You are not figuring the other person, you are not evaluating, you
are not trying to analyse
·
Don’t get into Mr. Fix hat
Don’t get into Mr. Fix hat
·
Keep the spirit on the other person. It is not
agreeing.
Keep the spirit on the other person. It is not
agreeing.
·
Sympathy
is not empathy
Sympathy
is not empathy
·
The one who listens does the more work not the
one who speaks.
The one who listens does the more work not the
one who speaks.
·
One word,
not long answers… one, two, three words
sometimes
One word,
not long answers… one, two, three words
sometimes
·
When you are obviously understanding the content,
You do not need to restate the content, get to the feeling
When you are obviously understanding the content,
You do not need to restate the content, get to the feeling
·
If you are not sure you understand the content
restate it
If you are not sure you understand the content
restate it
·
If you are not sure the other person feels the
content has been understood the content restate it in either condition.
If you are not sure the other person feels the
content has been understood the content restate it in either condition.
·
Empathic
communication
Empathic
communication
o
When you are not sure you understand
When you are not sure you understand
o
When you are not sure the other person feels understood
When you are not sure the other person feels understood
o
When the issue is charged with emotion
When the issue is charged with emotion
·
The other person know instantly when you are in
empathic frame of mind
The other person know instantly when you are in
empathic frame of mind
·
Empathic listening is like a holy ground you
really are and the other person is so vulnerable to you.
Empathic listening is like a holy ground you
really are and the other person is so vulnerable to you.
·
It becomes
one of the most bonding experience
It becomes
one of the most bonding experience
·
Once diagnosis is done, can move on to advice (if
the other person is asking for some help)
Once diagnosis is done, can move on to advice (if
the other person is asking for some help)
·
You always go to empathy when the person has a
lot of emotion attached there and has the need to be understood
You always go to empathy when the person has a
lot of emotion attached there and has the need to be understood
·
If the rapport between you is extremely high you
hardly even have to see a thing. It won’t be just one word or a nod may be
sufficient that was tremendous
If the rapport between you is extremely high you
hardly even have to see a thing. It won’t be just one word or a nod may be
sufficient that was tremendous
·
·
The other person believe it would work then you’d
make the sacrifices
The other person believe it would work then you’d
make the sacrifices
·
After empathic listening, we are synergistically
creating a new thing. We are at a whole different stage now.
After empathic listening, we are synergistically
creating a new thing. We are at a whole different stage now.
The key to listening is with eyes,
ears and heart.
ears and heart.
Tips:- Use Talking Stick while having one to one discussion
either in personal or professional setting. This can be used in our daily
conversation with our spouses, teenage daughters/sons, brothers/sisters or with
our mom. This can be used in our team meeting as well.
either in personal or professional setting. This can be used in our daily
conversation with our spouses, teenage daughters/sons, brothers/sisters or with
our mom. This can be used in our team meeting as well.
Foundation of any relationship is deeper level of
understanding. Let’s understand, then to be understood.
understanding. Let’s understand, then to be understood.
Let’s have this week’s contest:-
Take one personal or professional relationship.
Follow 5 levels of listening – Empathetic listening
Other person has to give the certificate or you can give
self-certificate
self-certificate
Top 3 winners will get books –
1.
First Prize :Lights from many lamps,
First Prize :Lights from many lamps,
2.
2nd
Prize : Alchemist,
2nd
Prize : Alchemist,
3.
3rd
Prize : Monk who sold his Ferrari
3rd
Prize : Monk who sold his Ferrari
Quote:
When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you
have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin
to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my
problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen!. All I ask is that
you listen; not talk or do – just hear me.
have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin
to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my
problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen!. All I ask is that
you listen; not talk or do – just hear me.
Ralph
Roughton, M.D.
Roughton, M.D.
In a nutshell, No advice is required to anyone, just need
care and compassion and listen empathically. அறிவுரை
வேண்டாம் புரிதலே போதும்.
care and compassion and listen empathically. அறிவுரை
வேண்டாம் புரிதலே போதும்.
Reference:-
Theme for the week: Seek
First to Understand, Then to Be Understood – Courtesy: Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of highly effective people.
First to Understand, Then to Be Understood – Courtesy: Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of highly effective people.
(Start Date 16th Nov, End date 22nd Nov –
Saturday to Friday)
Saturday to Friday)
Today’s Videos:-
37 Habit 5: Seek
First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
Week’s Video for quick reference.
7 Habits of
Highly Effective People - Habit 5 - Presented by Stephen Covey Himself (Longer
version for the whole week)
Highly Effective People - Habit 5 - Presented by Stephen Covey Himself (Longer
version for the whole week)
34 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part A: Diagnose Before You
Prescribe
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part A: Diagnose Before You
Prescribe
Video: It's Not About the Nail - (Must watch
for every Husband/wife or every person)
for every Husband/wife or every person)
"Don't
try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these
words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.
try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these
words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.
35 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part B - Five Levels of
Listening
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part B - Five Levels of
Listening
36 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part C: Autobiographical
Responses
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part C: Autobiographical
Responses
Quote for the week to ponder upon:
One
friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen
to us as we consider our problem, can change our whole outlook on the world.
friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen
to us as we consider our problem, can change our whole outlook on the world.
-
Dr. Elton
Mayo
Dr. Elton
Mayo
Articles:-
HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
Books: 7 Habits of highly effective people – Stephen Covey
About me:-
EP-0 - Who am I? - Rajesh Narayanan
If you do not know me personally, you can check out this
video
video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiuvvMarwOE
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