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ஹீரோக்களுக்கும் ஹீரோயின்களுக்கும் வணக்கம்.
ஹீரோக்களுக்கும் ஹீரோயின்களுக்கும் வணக்கம்.
I keep Steven covey
as a general theme. Individual episode can be viewed separately for any new
corner. Common Theme for the week (til today (22nd Nov)) -
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Courtesy: Stephen Covey).
as a general theme. Individual episode can be viewed separately for any new
corner. Common Theme for the week (til today (22nd Nov)) -
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Courtesy: Stephen Covey).
Paradigm:
Ineffective: I listen with the intent
to reply (in some way to Influence, to accomplish their own end)
to reply (in some way to Influence, to accomplish their own end)
Effective: I listen with the intent to understand
(Emphatic listening).
(Emphatic listening).
Priniciple:
To communicate effectively, we must
first understand each other.
first understand each other.
Behaviour
·
Diagnose
Before You Prescribe.
Diagnose
Before You Prescribe.
·
Listen
emphatically.
Listen
emphatically.
·
Seek to be
understood from the other’s perspective.
Seek to be
understood from the other’s perspective.
Result:
·
Greater
influence with others
Greater
influence with others
·
Solutions to
complex problems
Solutions to
complex problems
·
Clarity on
real issues
Clarity on
real issues
·
Faster problem
solving
Faster problem
solving
There is a story about a 5 year old boy. He studies in a
school in which my friend works as a counsellor. This boy comes to school
without any breakfast most of the times. At times, he gets baked potatoes only.
He gets apple at times wherein the stickers are not even peeled off. If you
compare his food along with other friends, his snack box is much branded
whereas the content inside the box is very poor whereas his friend’s boxes are
not branded but their boxes have rich, healthy foods. He is not poor. He is a student
in one of the premier school.
school in which my friend works as a counsellor. This boy comes to school
without any breakfast most of the times. At times, he gets baked potatoes only.
He gets apple at times wherein the stickers are not even peeled off. If you
compare his food along with other friends, his snack box is much branded
whereas the content inside the box is very poor whereas his friend’s boxes are
not branded but their boxes have rich, healthy foods. He is not poor. He is a student
in one of the premier school.
My friend started interacting with this small boy.. She
went inside eye of the boy and started looking the world from his eyes(Other’s
perspective). She was practicing first seek to understand, then to be
understood habit.
went inside eye of the boy and started looking the world from his eyes(Other’s
perspective). She was practicing first seek to understand, then to be
understood habit.
Boy became very close to teacher. One day boy hesitantly
asked, “Can I sit on your lap mam”. My friend did not know what to say… As the
days pass by, Boy asked, “Mam, can I call you as Mommy”. My friend was in tears
because of the amount of stress and trauma this boy go through at this young
age. This boy’s biological mom is so busy and is not having time to connect
with his own son and his world. No one in his family understands better than
the teacher. I hats off to the teacher. I dedicate this 50th episode
to that teacher who is able to connect with the boy empathically. Her name is
Anupama, hats off to Anupama.
asked, “Can I sit on your lap mam”. My friend did not know what to say… As the
days pass by, Boy asked, “Mam, can I call you as Mommy”. My friend was in tears
because of the amount of stress and trauma this boy go through at this young
age. This boy’s biological mom is so busy and is not having time to connect
with his own son and his world. No one in his family understands better than
the teacher. I hats off to the teacher. I dedicate this 50th episode
to that teacher who is able to connect with the boy empathically. Her name is
Anupama, hats off to Anupama.
This brought to my childhood memories. I too even felt that
nobody understood me.
nobody understood me.
It was a summer holidays. I was playing in my backyard.
Mahindra, my friend and I were playing together. We saw a bunch of mangoes in
the neighbour’s house. Immediately my friend suggested plucking the mangoes
from neighbour’s house. I nodded yes. He decided to cross the boundary wall and
I played the role of guard to observe whether someone comes in the middle.
Mahindra, my friend and I were playing together. We saw a bunch of mangoes in
the neighbour’s house. Immediately my friend suggested plucking the mangoes
from neighbour’s house. I nodded yes. He decided to cross the boundary wall and
I played the role of guard to observe whether someone comes in the middle.
He plucked two mangoes. He was returning in a hurry. That is
when we heard someone approaching the backyard. He quickly jumped over the
boundary wall. I jumped from the tall boundary wall and hurt myself badly.
when we heard someone approaching the backyard. He quickly jumped over the
boundary wall. I jumped from the tall boundary wall and hurt myself badly.
I thought the episode is over. I was behaving very quietly
in the home as if nothing has happened.
in the home as if nothing has happened.
Towards the evening, my mom called me while I was playing
in the park. I came home and he started beating me with a wooden scale. Getting
a beating from my mom was a usual affair for me. I did not even realize for ten
minutes what was happening and why was I getting the beating this time. Then my
mom asked me why did I steal mangoes from neighbour’s house. Now I could relate
the reason for my beating and I realized “Mr. Saneeshwara Bhagwan” was dancing
on my head.
in the park. I came home and he started beating me with a wooden scale. Getting
a beating from my mom was a usual affair for me. I did not even realize for ten
minutes what was happening and why was I getting the beating this time. Then my
mom asked me why did I steal mangoes from neighbour’s house. Now I could relate
the reason for my beating and I realized “Mr. Saneeshwara Bhagwan” was dancing
on my head.
Looks like my neighbour patti had complained to my mom
while was returning from school. My mom felt insulted. Her ego was brutally damaged.
Being a teacher, she could not digest his son had stolen mangoes from neighbour’s
house. My mom did not want his son being tagged as a Thief/Chor(திருடன்).
while was returning from school. My mom felt insulted. Her ego was brutally damaged.
Being a teacher, she could not digest his son had stolen mangoes from neighbour’s
house. My mom did not want his son being tagged as a Thief/Chor(திருடன்).
I am 47 right now. I could feel the pain of the beating
till date and I was crying in curious pain and I did not have food for a day. Whole
body was paining and I was sleeping in pain and agony for three days.
till date and I was crying in curious pain and I did not have food for a day. Whole
body was paining and I was sleeping in pain and agony for three days.
Though my mom wanted to instil three things in the very
young age, those pains were still fresh in my memory.
young age, those pains were still fresh in my memory.
1.
Do not steal
(திருடாதே)
Do not steal
(திருடாதே)
2.
Follow truthfulness
& honesty (நேர்மையாய் இரு)
Follow truthfulness
& honesty (நேர்மையாய் இரு)
3.
Do not have
any desire for other’s property (அடுத்தவங்க பொருளுக்கு ஆசைப்படாதே)
Do not have
any desire for other’s property (அடுத்தவங்க பொருளுக்கு ஆசைப்படாதே)
I got those lessons in a hard way. Till date I have the
pain that she did not understand me and my side of the story.
pain that she did not understand me and my side of the story.
My side of the story was, it was not my plan. Mahinda did
not plan. While jumping the boundary wall in hurry and those two mangoes fell
in their house. Those two mangoes were eaten by squirrel. We did not taste mangoes
at all. On top of it, I jumped from the tall wall and hurt my leg very badly
which I did not tell anyone. That was paining a lot and on top of it my mom
beat me.
not plan. While jumping the boundary wall in hurry and those two mangoes fell
in their house. Those two mangoes were eaten by squirrel. We did not taste mangoes
at all. On top of it, I jumped from the tall wall and hurt my leg very badly
which I did not tell anyone. That was paining a lot and on top of it my mom
beat me.
Fundamentally I was not understood in the whole episode
and my side of the story was not even heard till date.
and my side of the story was not even heard till date.
Two weeks passed from the incident, one fine morning I was
hearing a commotion in the neighbour’s house and my neighbour’s patti were
crying as somebody stolen all her mangoes. The moment I heard that news, I was
like “Robo villain Rajni who says I am a bad man and making a roar of laughter”
hearing a commotion in the neighbour’s house and my neighbour’s patti were
crying as somebody stolen all her mangoes. The moment I heard that news, I was
like “Robo villain Rajni who says I am a bad man and making a roar of laughter”
Like me, we do not listen to other’s perceptive. Be it in
families, husband/wife, team setting, we do not take time to listen to other’s
perceptive. We take our loved ones for granted.
families, husband/wife, team setting, we do not take time to listen to other’s
perceptive. We take our loved ones for granted.
We tend to ignore the kid’s side of the story. It is not
stopping in parent/child relationships. In continues in every other forms of
relationship. Men like me, ignore wife’s emotion turmoil at work, even we do
not try to understand the world from our mother-in-laws etc etc.
stopping in parent/child relationships. In continues in every other forms of
relationship. Men like me, ignore wife’s emotion turmoil at work, even we do
not try to understand the world from our mother-in-laws etc etc.
From Mahabharatha days, the fight is always within our
families. One of the tools to avoid conflicts in relationship is habit 5 –
First seek to understand, then to be understood.
families. One of the tools to avoid conflicts in relationship is habit 5 –
First seek to understand, then to be understood.
My one of
biggest fear is, without proper understanding, in a playful manner we are
hurting our relationship in a deeper way. விளையாட்டு தனமாக நாம உறவுகளை வேட்டையாடி கொண்டு இருக்கோமோனு பயமாக உள்ளது
biggest fear is, without proper understanding, in a playful manner we are
hurting our relationship in a deeper way. விளையாட்டு தனமாக நாம உறவுகளை வேட்டையாடி கொண்டு இருக்கோமோனு பயமாக உள்ளது
To avoid that,
let us all take habit 5.
let us all take habit 5.
Today’s
exercise:-
exercise:-
Empathic Listening practice
On the lines
below, describe a situation in your personal or professional life that you feel
strongly about and that you wouldn’t mind sharing with others.
below, describe a situation in your personal or professional life that you feel
strongly about and that you wouldn’t mind sharing with others.
Now, break
into groups of three and take turn sharing the feelings you’ve experienced
regarding this situation with the other members of your group.
into groups of three and take turn sharing the feelings you’ve experienced
regarding this situation with the other members of your group.
Speaker: Share your situation with the listener. Tell the story in the first person. Listener: Role-play the situation with the speaker. Use Empathic Listening to understand the situation. Observer: Record the empathic or autobiographical phrases used by the listener. Share your observations after three minutes. |
Seek to be understood from the other’s perspective
The key to
being understood is to understand the needs,
concerns, and priorities of the other person first. This may sound
paradoxical, but if you incorporate your listener’s priorities into your own
messages, you will find that you are more likely to get the results you want.
being understood is to understand the needs,
concerns, and priorities of the other person first. This may sound
paradoxical, but if you incorporate your listener’s priorities into your own
messages, you will find that you are more likely to get the results you want.
Here are
excerpts from a presentation given from two different perspectives: (Virumandi
movie)
excerpts from a presentation given from two different perspectives: (Virumandi
movie)
The “I”
perspective (focussed on the speaker) and the “You” perspective (focussed on
the listener). In your opinion, which version is more effective? Why?
perspective (focussed on the speaker) and the “You” perspective (focussed on
the listener). In your opinion, which version is more effective? Why?
“I” Perspective |
“YOU” Perspective |
I’m Joseph Velasquez from Indiva Corporation. My presentation will cover the following four points: · Indiva’s product line, · Our partnering criteria, · Our point-of-sale promotional plans, and · What we need from you. |
I’m Joseph Velasquez from Indiva Corporation. Let me make sure I’ve captured your priorities for our time together. Based on our previous conversations. Here’s what I think you’re after. |
I’d like to cover the material I have in about 25 minutes and then open it up for questions. |
You’d like to open up the Latin American youth market, and you see an opportunity with Indiva’s products to do that. |
I’m very proud of the new XDEF, which builds upon the massive feature set of the X50. Although physical dimensions are somewhat larger, the XDEF includes Fog Tortis and WAV playback support, and a dedicated Optical Line-In Socket. |
You’ve said that durable MP3 players are priced out of reach for most of your market. Our durable new XDEF has many of the features of the much more expensive X50, but at half the cost. The only real sacrifice is that the XDEF is a fraction larger. |
Quote: To my
mind, empathy is in itself a healing agent…. Because it releases, it confirms,
it brings even the most frightened person into the human race. If a person is
understood, he or she belongs.
mind, empathy is in itself a healing agent…. Because it releases, it confirms,
it brings even the most frightened person into the human race. If a person is
understood, he or she belongs.
Carl Rogers
Far more important
than the technical elements of the any conversations was the quality of the
relationship as the power of it.
than the technical elements of the any conversations was the quality of the
relationship as the power of it.
The key to listening is with eyes and
heart.
heart.
Exercise for
today:-
today:-
Tips:- Use Talking Stick while having one to one discussion
either in personal or professional setting. This can be used in our daily
conversation with our spouses, teenage daughters/sons, brothers/sisters or with
our mom. This can be used in our team meeting as well.
either in personal or professional setting. This can be used in our daily
conversation with our spouses, teenage daughters/sons, brothers/sisters or with
our mom. This can be used in our team meeting as well.
Foundation of any relationship is deeper level of
understanding. Let’s understand, then to be understood.
understanding. Let’s understand, then to be understood.
Let’s have this week’s contest:-
Take one personal or professional relationship.
Follow 5 levels of listening – Empathetic listening
Other person has to give the certificate or you can give
self-certificate
self-certificate
Top 3 winners will get books –
1.
First Prize :Lights from many lamps,
First Prize :Lights from many lamps,
2.
2nd
Prize : Alchemist,
2nd
Prize : Alchemist,
3.
3rd
Prize : Monk who sold his
Ferrari
3rd
Prize : Monk who sold his
Ferrari
Quote:
Quote: To my
mind, empathy is in itself a healing agent…. Because it releases, it confirms,
it brings even the most frightened person into the human race. If a person is
understood, he or she belongs.
mind, empathy is in itself a healing agent…. Because it releases, it confirms,
it brings even the most frightened person into the human race. If a person is
understood, he or she belongs.
Carl Rogers
In a nutshell, கேட்பதற்க்கு
காதும் சாய்ந்து கொள்வதற்கு தோலும் இருந்தால் நாம எல்லோருமே ஹீரோக்கள் தான் ஹீரோயின்கள் தான்
காதும் சாய்ந்து கொள்வதற்கு தோலும் இருந்தால் நாம எல்லோருமே ஹீரோக்கள் தான் ஹீரோயின்கள் தான்
Reference:-
Theme for the week: Seek
First to Understand, Then to Be Understood – Courtesy: Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of highly effective people.
First to Understand, Then to Be Understood – Courtesy: Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of highly effective people.
(Start Date 16th Nov, End date 22nd Nov –
Saturday to Friday)
Saturday to Friday)
Today’s Videos:-
38 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part E : Empathic Responses
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part E : Empathic Responses
Week’s Video for quick reference.
7 Habits of
Highly Effective People - Habit 5 - Presented by Stephen Covey Himself (Longer
version for the whole week)
Highly Effective People - Habit 5 - Presented by Stephen Covey Himself (Longer
version for the whole week)
34 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part A: Diagnose Before You
Prescribe
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part A: Diagnose Before You
Prescribe
Video: It's Not About the Nail - (Must watch
for every Husband/wife or every person)
for every Husband/wife or every person)
"Don't
try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these
words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.
try to fix it. I just need you to listen." Every man has heard these
words. And they are the law of the land. No matter what.
35 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part B - Five Levels of Listening
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part B - Five Levels of Listening
36 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part C: Autobiographical
Responses
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part C: Autobiographical
Responses
37 Habit 5:
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood - Part D: Empathic Listening
Quote for the week to ponder upon:
One
friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen
to us as we consider our problem, can change our whole outlook on the world.
friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen
to us as we consider our problem, can change our whole outlook on the world.
-
Dr. Elton Mayo
Dr. Elton Mayo
When I ask you to listen and you
start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to
listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are
trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen!. All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do – just hear me.
start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to
listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are
trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen!. All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do – just hear me.
-
Ralph
Roughton, M.D.
Ralph
Roughton, M.D.
Articles:-
HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
Books: 7 Habits of highly effective people – Stephen Covey
About me:-
EP-0 - Who am I? - Rajesh Narayanan
If you do not know me personally, you can check out this
video
video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiuvvMarwOE
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